#im scared of every social thing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nururu · 1 year ago

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Am remembering the abandonment trauma dream I had last night and...... damn dude.... I was a little kid in it... being left and rejected by ppl I love.. the whole dream was just me sitting under a table bawling my eyes out asking "why" and "I dont even know what i did wrong". I lost so much of myself..... it makes me so sad when I realize that so much of who I am is dead now bc of those experiences....

#im scared of every social thing #and i require face to face or else im anxious the whole time #bc i csn read body language face to face #and know better if im doing something wrong #im not as witty or funny anymore bc idk.....#maybe my jokes were too much or something #i base convos on scripts #or i can easily seriously talk about my special interests #but i feel stupjd doing that bc everyones a jokester and no one wants to be serious and im always ruining the vibe #baby me was rejected and hated so much for no reason #i wish ppl would have just communicated with me #even once #bc i dont know what i did wrong #or am doing wrong #and everyones too afraid to say anything #so instead they abandon me out of nowhere and give me lifelong trauma thats deatr #destroyed***********#so much of me #i want to find the safest safe space #where no one is competing with me #and no one judges other ppl or gossips about other ppl #and everyone accepts everyone and meets them where theyre at #and everyone openly communicates #so then i can maybe heal #its so hard and i truly cant expect to find this from others i need to figure it out myself but #i truly cant go through these things anymore #that baby me in my dream crying under the table saying 'i dont understand' deserves better

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toddtakefive · 5 months ago

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btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage

#and him trying to stop neil from asking if todd not reading at the meetings is okay isn’t him wanting not to go #its him not wanting neil to ask because (as someone with social anxiety) it’s EMBARRASSING ASF for someone to ask for things on your behalf #literally just think about it as the meme of ‘when i tell my friend im hungry and he tells his mom that *i* want food instead of both of us’#and the whole ‘neil not knowing how to take no for an answer’ thing…… dont get me fucking started #the kid who’s had to take no for an answer his whole life? the kid whose first proper scene IS him taking no for an answer? are you serious?#being encouraging and accommodating and (admittedly) a little pushy when he’s got his mind set on something—#—is NAWT the same as not being able to take no for an answer or bulldozing through conversations with people #he and todd DO listen to each other in those conversations theyre just on opposing sides—#—because their understandings of the world don’t fully align at that point in time/the movie #which is totally fucking normal?????? because later on they DO properly align?????????#i feel so crazy about this every time i see someone say todd didn’t want to go the dead poets meetings because it’s so obvious he DID #he was just scared #and you know what maybe it IS a little forceful #but given how dedicated todd is to shutting off and hating and isolating himself he NEEDS a little forceful to be broken through to #if no one ever pushed me to do things when i was scared (as irritated as it can make me) i’d never do SHIT dude #and obviously todd is the same way because he ALL BUT OUTRIGHT SAYS AS MUCH #‘i appreciate this concern but i’m not like you’ IS about neil’s voice and opinions mattering to people but it’s ALSO about—#—him being outgoing and trying new things and putting himself out there #WHICH TODD WANTS TO BE ABLE TO DO!!!!!!!!#the moral you take away from todds growth is NOT that he has to change to be accepted because he DOESNT #its that he has to gain the confidence and belief in himself to grow and become the version of himself he WANTS to be #he NEVER changes on a fundamental level to make others happy (although his growth does make others happy) he just opens up more #and i dont know WHY some people think his arc is becoming a completely different person #like yall PLEASE #this isnt even an anderperry thing this is an issue even if you read them completely platonic #i blame the FUCKASS novelization…. dps book you will always be hated by ME #dps #dead poets society #neil perry #todd anderson

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purpurussy · 3 months ago

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#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

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bunnihearted · 4 months ago

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#social interactions w irl ppl makes me so anxious #bc like some ppl u talk to on tumblr and twitter have a bigger understanding of like beinf different and stuff #but irl ppl are different and i have to mask sm #my old friend replied.. and then i replied and now i have new messages from him T-T #and the thing is that bc of our past #i have sm anxiety abt not replying fast enough or being too depressing or saying no bc he always #got bad abt it and even ghosted me 🤙#so now i feel sm anxiety bc im like omg i gotta reply fast but idk what to say and i secondguess and overthink every single word #:'))) dont get me wrong i am suprised he replied and also said he had missed me and wanted to write me a letter and thanked me for hanging #out w him during highschool bc he didnt know how he wouldve survived without that #and im like woah???? i actually exist to ppl? ppl actually think of me :o #it's smth i struggle with a lot bc of avpd and smth that i sabotage connection with :(((#but yeah i was like ok damn?? cool!!!!#(then tbh i feel so depressed and numb so i honestly dont *feel* that much like i feel emotionally shut off)#but i still think it's prettyyy neat :3 idk emotionally im a wreck #i dont wanna sound like an asshole when i say 'i dont feel anything' but i just... dont #anyway i still did miss him so i would never lie or be dishonest or disgenuine #but it is anxious that i need to mask a bit bc im scared of him not wanting to talk to me if im too honest or too weird or whatever #still i will keep trying to reply even if i dont know what to say until he might stop replying lol who knows T-T #sry im negative but im rlly trying but i dont want to do anything and i dont.. feel anything

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piplupod · 5 months ago

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also need to keep reminding myself that one outing will not fix my brain, and even one entire month of outings will not fix my brain, i will feel less insane yes but i will still be fucking terrified of messing up social interactions probably my entire life to some degree. but the fear will lessen over time if i keep up regular interactions with ppl who are not my abusers (and hopefully lessen the time i spend around abusers bc they keep seemingly undoing any progress i make 🙃), or at least... i hope that's true LMFAO. one can dream!

#i just want to not feel like i am one step away from bringing everything tumbling down around me all the time #and apparently the centre is a safe place to practice and get my social sea legs under me again #but it doesnt feel safe FDHSJKL the stakes still feel quite high. less high out in regular society but like... still not none.#im just. always so scared. i feel like i am doing some sort of bbc s.herlock analytical bs every time i talk to anyone ever #online or irl fdsjkl i feel like online is almost harder bc there isn't body language and tone to read and implement #and i have the opportunity to overthink my words a lot more fdsjkl i feel like i have to word things Just Right #like if i word things slightly wrong then suddenly everybody thinks im a freak or irritating and i won't be able to fix it #AUGH. AUGH AUGH AUGH. i need to go hide in a hole underground until i can be normal about things LMFAO #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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tendercoretroglodyke · 11 months ago

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I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!

#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power #good thing no one can see this!!!#anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them #but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this #i dont understand it #not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone #whats up w that??#like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me?#or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1 #OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself???#or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them #and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do #and it drives me fucking crazy with grief??#vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast #????#no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness #and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie #just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand #and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them #bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together #please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏

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chimielie · 1 year ago

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in my “crying over deactivated people” era

#lp #this isnt about one specific person necessarily either like. i just get so sad when i remember hqblr when i joined #this is about yuna who i think about almost every day and every inactive person whose blog i check in the hopes they come back and #all the friendships i dropped last year when some really awful things happened and i forgot how to be a person and went on hiatus #and honestly havent been able to recover bc i still feel so much worse at being social than i was Before…#idk i just love you all so much and you have given so much to my life and even though im scared to interact mostly… i check in on you guys a #lot!! i want to know you’re doing okay. sometimes i send anon asks telling ppl i hope they have a good day and stuff bc im too scared to do #it on main HAHAH

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homophyte · 2 years ago

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it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?

#myposts #this is long and honestly probably Nothing #i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it #and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here #but i do think theres something to the idea that like #as ive seen said #yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized'#i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to #but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me.#but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse #before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it #ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago #and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think #which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged #so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community #for our safety.#now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe!#cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel #again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think #basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility #coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky #--discourses in the current moment #last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*

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olympusrox · 7 months ago

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no stronger bond than between two people who were online friends and then lost touch

she deleted her tumblr in 2022

i hope she knows i still think about her

#she had a different tumblr before that aswell #and she deleted it #but she made a new one a few months later and texted me #she remembered my name #she had made me a spotify playlist dedicated to me with songs that she wanted me to listen to #i was so bad with texting her because i was still socially awkward and didn't know what to say #i should have texted her more #i think about her every now and then #i just went through all of our messages and read them all #she was so sweet #i have no idea what her life is like now #i still have that spotify playlist #im listening to it right now #i could make a playlist for her and tag her in it? is that a thing? do i need to actually send it to her?#i hope i can talk to her again #i want to know about her life #i had a little crush on her for a bit #even though all i knew was her name #and a description she told me of herself of what she looked like #all we ever talked about was small talk about our lives and about music we liked #but it was somehow still so personal #back then i didn't have any other friends #i got so excited when she messaged me #but half the time i was too scared to text her back #i miss her #non fandom stuff

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hzrnvm · 2 years ago

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emotional. happy, pissed off, all that.

#hzrn #im cool with being annoying hypothetically but the real kicker is that no form of communication exists that i can really use comfortably #every single form of communication out there. i can't use it. i can't fuckin talk bc the sounds are too hard.#i can't fuckin type bc the buttons are too hard.#i can't fucking body and hands bc motions are too hard.#i can't fucking art because art involves all those things.#damn fucking WORDS are too hard. i put so much work into them and i get nothing. nothing!#who made the world this way?! why is it that all communication and socialization is so. fucking. hard!!!!#i tried! i really really fuckin tried man! all last year i tried so so hard.#i fell FLAT on my face. NO ONE liked me. they called me a retard! they said i was scary‚ awkward‚ hard to be around!#they did coordinated social attacks on me! then when i come back to school this year and i even *think* about trying again‚ they say #'nobody wants him here. and he should stop caring'#well right about then‚ is where she gives up! she has closed her eyes‚ she has given up hope!#i gave up trying to exist socially at school. the two paths are being myself and getting bullied‚ or not being myself and getting nothing #today was a good day for me all in all but idk.#the only reason i dont hold grudges like crazy is because of my object impermanence shit #although this might as well count as a grudge. i think it's somewhat justified though‚ because in my case it's more like #if you hurt me seriously then i'll think about it pervasively until you do something to redeem yourself in my mind.#probably that's part of the reason im so scared of being myself and shit #this is probably the reason why im so scared of being myself. bc everytime i tried i got bullied‚ mocked‚ demeaned. and that shit piles up.#i just spend mosta my time not thinking about it! just like i spend mosta my time not thinking about who i am‚ my future‚ my past and on!#siiiigh. sigh sigh siiiiiiiiigh #it's ok to like this post by the way #in fact it's encouraged. im directly and clearly asking you to.#im not making this post for nothing. im making it in the hopes that someone will read what i said.#although really no one will. why the hell would anyone fucking read this. get fuckin real.#i know for certain i'll wake up tmrw with this at at maximum like. 1 like. 2 if im really the luckiest girl in the world.#and i know how i sound caring about likes and shit. but really all it tells me is someone read this. and i really fuckin need someone to re

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jamietxrtt · 2 years ago

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look i really liked the last episode but i feel like i have to say. the whole ‘just forgive them and move on! that’s the best revenge :)’ scene really made me cringe